


Thousands Of Words For Green, And Assorted Other Tropes

by KrozJr



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fourth wall is bent but not broken, Help why did I do this, I wrote this as an excuse to use a trope or seven, Satire, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:42:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26272780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrozJr/pseuds/KrozJr
Summary: In response to a Reddit thread about various bugbears we all have in fanfiction, I decide to use as many as possible. And crack ensues.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Dolores Umbridge
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Thousands Of Words For Green, And Assorted Other Tropes

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know why I did this. The various tropes/cliches I utilised:
> 
> \- 1000’s of ways to describe Harry’s eyes  
> \- Ridiculous pairings  
> \- Weird semi-creepy relationships  
> \- Manipulative!Dumbledore  
> \- Weird plays on the name Dumbledore  
> \- (Deliberately) poor/OOC characters  
> \- Deliberately poor plot  
> \- Evil Weasleys  
> \- “So mote it be”  
> \- Soul bond  
> \- OP and accidentally destroying Voldemort

Verdant, his luminous leaf-like eyes shone out like glittering emeralds from underneath his shiny frames, seeming to case a grassy coloured glow directly into her soul. It made her heart thump in her chest as she saw his eyes flicker, looking for to the world like a particularly polished green bottle or a fantastic specimens of sea glass. Glaucous would be how she’d describe it if not due to the fact his eyes were so much more; they flowed in the dim light of the classroom and she basked in their viridescence. Like peas with black painted flecks on them, she watched entranced as his eyes once more came to rest on her face. She quelled a blush; how dare he have such a beautiful, nature-inspired sage-like eye colour. No, it would not do.

So, fuelled with jealousy at the lover she desperately wanted, she said: “Mr. Potter, start writing your lines now!” Once he realised that Umbridge had his best interests at heart, she knew the dulled olive colour after one of their sessions would brighten like a flower on a sunny day. Then, she would gaze longingly into those toad green wells and they would kiss. Rose petals on her jumper with the thorns in his eyes, one day... His Avada Kedavra green eyes shot up to look at her. For a moment she imagined they were full of desire. Umbridge’s chest heaved with longing for this perfect creature. She decided to strike.

“Mr. Potter, I can plainly see that this is not working.” Harry regarded the blood swirling upon his hand. He was inclined to agree.

“So, I feel we must have a chat. I am going to tell you something important.” His eyes shone for a moment, and for an instant she became intoxicated by the beacons of green emanating towards her. She pressed on, “I am encouraging you to not involve Dumbledore in your life as he is trying to manipulate you.”

“Rubbish!” Harry cried resiliently. Umbridge sighed; the sexiest ones always had the most spirit.

“He has orchestrated you into his own puppet for his ends. A supposed incident with a teacher in first year, a supposed creature in second...” She tailed off, allowing Harry to come to his own conclusions. He did, so suddenly that she briefly wondered if he only changed his mind because the author of this story couldn’t be bothered to write some sort of internal struggle between two points of view. Because that’s boring to write, even if it makes the story better.

”You’re right,” Harry exclaimed abruptly, “and let’s go and show Dumbledork what I can do!” The two left the room quietly.

* * *

Bumblesnore was sitting in his own office, considering going and jumping in his Scrooge McDuck pool of money from the Potter fortune. Instead, he settled upon sucking upon the lemon drops which were laced with calming draught and loyalty potion keyed to him. He was a genius, had been playing everyone for years, and yet little did he know that due to the author deciding that now was the time, a teen would succeed at ousting him where hundreds of adults had failed.

Harry walked into the office hand-in-hand with Umbridge, they shared a chaste kiss without any prior discussion about love, due to the fact that I can’t write romance to save my life. Harry immediately judo-flipped Wombledork over his desk, glowing brightly.

”I am Lord Hadrian James Le-Fey Ravenclaw Slytherin Hufflepuff Gryffindor Selwyn Black Umbridge Riddle Pendragon Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way Potter, and I demand that you relinquish control of my fortune and move yourself to Azkaban immediately!” Harry said. Dumbledore obliges by apparating directly into the prison fortress because the plot doesn’t have to make sense, this is fanfiction. He parted by saying “But you should marry Ginevra!”

”Nonsense, old man,” Harry said, “for that scarlet woman has been potioning me for years. I shall never marry her, I swear on my life and magic, so mote it be.”

He glowed as Bumblegore left, before turning to his radiant wife and caressing her gently. They kissed again, activating a soul bond. This in turn destroyed all of the Horcruxes and destroyed Voldemort via love magic. Harry and Dolores couldn’t care for they were too in love.

”That took care of Lord BoxerShorts, didn’t it love?” Umbridge said sweetly. Saccharine, Harry responded, “Lord MouldyWarts is gone and there is a safer world for you, dearest. And they lived happily ever after.

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> BLEACH!!!


End file.
